It's February, 2012, And Dachshunds Are Waging War

No one tells dachshund stories better than our friend Don Large, and it's been a while since we shared one with you. So when we read his account of Toy Wars, we asked if we could print it. He agreed, and here it is.

In the year plus since Lulu Belle joined our household, we have gradually accumulated two big cartons filled with furry and/or squeaky toys. All three of the crew love these toys, especially Lulu and Harley.

On the other hand, Rave's mission in life seems to be to accumulate all toys in her bed, keep them from the other two, and then destroy them one by one. So we have to keep a close eye on Rave, once she gets her paws or teeth on a coveted toy, so as to keep our monthly toy budget down to an acceptable level.

Until about two weeks ago, Rave was the alpha dog, and could take any toy she wanted from anyone else who had it. Then last week, Rave decided she wanted Mr. Snake (all the toys have names – Bobo, Brownie, Purple Bobo, Mr. Snake, Tommy Turtle, Roadkill, etc.) Unfortunately, Mr. Snake was nestled in Lulu's lower jaw, being squeaked happily at the time. So Rave just marched up and grabbed the other end of Mr. Snake. This time, though, Lulu did not let go. She looked up patiently and stared at Rave.

Rave tugged harder on her end, growling. Lulu kept staring at her, still patient, and still hanging on to Mr. Snake. I could swear she was thinking "I am younger than you and twice your size. So what are you going to do about it?" Then, after a couple more tugs and growls, Rave relinquished her end of the toy and went off to settle for second best, Roadkill.

Since then, Lulu has held onto the toys she wants to play with, and our monthly toy cost has dropped quite a bit, as Lulu treasures her toys and does not destroy them. Rave still prevails occasionally, because she has a longer memory than Lulu, and will skulk and watch until Lulu or Harley lets go of the precious toy. At which moment Rave pounces and scuttles off to the nearest kennel or bed with her prize. With two kennels and five dog beds in various parts of our home, Rave has a lot of places to hide a toy.

But then, three days ago, Mr. Dog and Larry Leopard joined the menagerie. Larry was duly appreciated by all, but Mr. Dog, they all decided, was an absolute treasure! He is basically a furry puppet, with space to insert a plastic bottle inside him, so that he makes all sort of great sounds when he is crunched. For an hour, Mr. Dog shuttled from one dachshund to the other. Lulu had him, and then was blindsided by Harley, who grabbed Mr. Dog as Lulu went rolling away. Then Rave pulled rank on Harley, taking Mr. Dog to her TV room bed for a good chew. But then she lifted her head when Mommy Pat made some interesting sounds in the kitchen, and as her head went up, Lulu dove in and retrieved Mr. Dog.

This time Lulu was not letting Mr. Dog go. She held on to him for a good hour, with Rave hanging around at the edge of her eyesight, just waiting and watching. But then Lulu had to go outside and do some business. What to do? So she decided to carry Mr. Dog outside – the weather was warm so we had the patio door 6" open for just such emergencies. Sometimes Lulu puts a precious toy on the chaise lounge, goes out to the yard and does her business, and then retrieves the toy on her way back inside. But that would not work this time, as Rave was hovering, having followed her outside.

And now I wished I had my camera. There was only one thing Lulu could do, and she did it. I treasure in the mind my mental picture of a black and white spotty longhaired dachshund, in a full curl, taking a poop with Mr. Dog clutched between her teeth! And, of course, with Rave hovering 2' away, just waiting for Lulu to lose concentration.

Poop finished, Lulu turned and headed back toward the door to the kitchen. But Rave had one last trick to play. As Lulu went inside, Rave suddenly veered toward the back wall, barking furiously: "Intruder! intruder!!! Bad person go away!!!" Suddenly Lulu turned and ran back through the door to join the barking, with Harley close at her heels. And she had dropped Mr. Dog in her excitement! As soon as Rave saw her coming back out through the door with nothing in her mouth, Rave switched directions and hurried back past the onrushing Lulu to nab the prize.

Lulu swiftly realized that she had been fooled. She wheeled and charged after Rave, and being bigger and much younger, she made up the ground between them. But not soon enough! Rave had a length lead as she barreled through the door, grabbed Mr. Dog on the run, and dove into the smaller of the two kennels we have sitting in the breakfast area.

And then, with Lulu yelping and doing her baying/growling/talking combination that she does when chasing one of the other two kids, Rave had a true stroke of genius. She did not turn around in the kennel, but stayed with her head at the inside end, and her butt in Lulu's face. Thus she blocked Lulu's way into the kennel, as she gleefully gnawed on Mr. Dog. Score one toy war victory for little Rave.

But tonight Mommy Pat and I decided to resolve the impasse. We went to Wal-Mart and bought two more Mr. Dog's, so each kid has one. Of course, an hour after we made the presentation, there were two of them hidden in Rave's favorite bed as she was trying to figure out how to get the third one, too: "mine, mine, they're all mine!!!" I clearly heard her muttering.

And so the Toy Wars continue.

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